I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
