So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
