Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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