How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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