i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
