yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
