I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
