9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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