my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
