They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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