I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
