Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
