he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
