he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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