you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
