I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
