Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
