The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
