Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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