Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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