I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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