Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
