I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
