The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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