I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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