That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My penis needs a shock collar
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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