They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
