why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
