dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
