Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
