I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
