I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
