I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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