she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
