the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
