You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
