cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
