roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
