He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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