I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
