Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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