I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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