i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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