Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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