It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
