I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
How naked do you want me to be?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
