So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
