she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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