i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
