We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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