i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My bed smells like the plague
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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