I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I want to make a zoo with you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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