Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
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