The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
