Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
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