someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't make out with my wife yet
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
