Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
