at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
why is half of my head shaved?
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