I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
